Some people are like slinkies, "useless," but you can't help it
but to smile when you see them tumble down stairs.
Life gave me lemons...so I'm going to throw them at people.
When life hands you a lemon, bust out the tequilla and salt!
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to
sea and sink.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good either.
Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is
like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
No one is ever totally useless. They can always serve as a bad example.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
No worrys! Hard work always pays off later BUT laziness always pays
off NOW!
When squishing a can on your forehead, make sure its empty first
Never use a permanent marker to draw on your tongue... and remember...never
wipe your ass with poison ivy
Think of all the evil things youve done in the world... then laugh
about it
Never eat multicolored mushrooms that you find on your bathmat
Stapling yourself to the wall is a bad idea, specially on mondays...not
really sure why...something to do with it being the start of the week... and the stucco on the wall being a certain way on
that day....
If I had a dime for every time I've felt stupid, then...then...well...
I'd have a lot more money than I do now...
No one's a virgin because
life screws us all.
Life is like a dick...when it gets hard...FUCK IT!!!
Friends are like condoms...they're always around when things get
hard!
You break it you buy it....GOOOOSH!!!....Did you break anything?
I suffer from CRS...Can't Remember Shit!
Can you hear me now?
GOOD!
If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then let's
all get wasted together and have the time of our lives!
Remember, it's not "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles you're going to have trouble with it.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't
all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class
in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."
Amazing!! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks
two sizes!
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Remember, an alcoholic & a drunk are not the same thing at all.
The alcoholic has to attend meetings.
Guys are like drugs: they are addicting, a bitch to get over, and
kick your ass physically and emotionally
This one time....I was walking...and I fell in the mud....
"Its not nice to be a dice" - Carrie
Drop the weed, SMOKE THE SAGE!!
3-2-1...1-2-3...what the heck is bothering me?
If all the rain drops were penises and condoms...
WARNING: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
"Good Morning, Let the stress begin!"
-On the t-shirt of an 8th grader at Gray Ave...ya...what does
HE know about stress?!?
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
(Original Version)
Not all men are assholes. Some are dead.
(My version!)
Needing a guy is like needing a parachute. If he's not there
the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
Guys are like stars- so many to pick from but only one can make
all your dreams come true
From an angel's wings to a fallen star God makes everything but
unbreakable hearts
"A little lemon and seltzer will remove those pesky ink stains after
you've been fingerprinted. " -Martha Stewart
Gosh dong it! -Michelle
Procastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
If brains were sex you'd still be a virgin.
Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level
and beat you with experience...
Never argue with me. I'll drag you down to my level and beat you with a fuckin bat!
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it
goes on." - Robert Frost
I'm like a rubics cube...The more you play with me the harder I get
